So I was out at the Uni Library the other day when I found a Indiana Jones dvd Box set, that is to say the three original movies and another with bonus material or something like that who really gives a fig and I was totally all like OH YEAH THIS IS EPIC, INDIANA JONES IS THA MAN and so are Spielberg and Lucas and it is all FOR THA WIN and it’s gonna be flippin’ epic to see him swinging the whip and bashing heads in again because I really liked the two movies I already saw and get to see again and I FINALLY get to watch Temple of Doom. (Breathe. Sorry about that.)
So I put TOD in the machine, pressed play, pressed pause cause I had to go to the bathroom, pressed play again, got down with the THX ‘Deepnote’ and watched the movie I have been meaning to watch for a while now. And most of the way through I was like “Wha?” It was really confusing. In fact, upon reflection, I’m still not entirely sure what the go was, obviously he went somewhere to get something and ran into someone that did such and so to him. Not that this was a terrible movie by any means, being quite creative and had some hilarious moments, but it seemed a little ….I dunno…rushed… and weird. I don’t care if the rumours are true and if there are aliens in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, surely it can’t be as strange as this movie? And this is coming from a guy who thinks Monty Python is coherent and linear…
What’s going on?
I dunno.
Was that a Big-Lipped Alligator moment?
Possibly, but I dunno.
What happened to Marion?
I dunno.
Who is this kid anyway?
I dunno.
Where are the Nazis?
I dunno.
Do these people really eat all that weird crap and is there a point to seeing it?
I dunno.
What’s with the Mortal Kombat- style heart ripping-out-of-chest-cavity?
I dunno.
How does he do that with his bare hands?
Magic.
Magic?
I mean…I dunno.
Why was that guy still alive after aforementioned Mortal Kombat- style heart ripping-out-of-chest-cavity?
I dunno.
What’s with all those peasant dudes worshiping Kali? How come they don’t just mob Indy? Come to think of it, what happened to them? Did they all just decide to take a holiday? Did Scotty beam them up?
I dunno.
Where did all the Thuggees come from?
I dunno.
Where did the Deus- Ex…er…troops come from?
I dunno.
Why does Harrison Ford look so creepy in this movie, and not just when he is possessed?
I dunno.
How many more times are we gonna repeat this gag?
I…no that’s it, moving on now.
Maybe I just need to watch it again.
Personally, while she is a babe, that Willie Nelson chick is probably the most annoying thing to ever come from the mind of George Lucas. The man who gave us Jar-Jar for crying out loud. Actually I liked Jar-Jar…not the point.
I guess I couldn’t really get the transition they made from a smart, sassy, tough (relatively-she still needs saving by Indy) lead female character to this dippy show-girl who really had less idea of what was going on than I did. Even the kid wasn’t as irritating.
Now apparently there is a rule that in Trilogies, the third film always sucks. I find that to be incorrect for the Ice Age movies and the same goes for Indy. ‘Samatter of fact, Last Crusade is definitely my favourite flick of the bunch. It ditches the kid and the moron love interest, brings back Sallah and the Nazis, Elsa is hot as and I like seeing how Indy got his awesome hat and Ophidiophobia (don’t ask me how to spell or pronounce it, I just googled it.) I’m always amused by the doddering duo of Connery and Elliot, who despite their lack of grace on the battlefield, still manage to kick a lot of derriere. Sure there is a lot less bull-whipping, but it makes up for it by using more of Williams signature Indy music and is funny as all get out.
Welp, that’s about it for now. Play me out Johnny…
Daaaaaah-da da- da, dah da daaaaaaah.
-Professor Bear.
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